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When the Acheron Runs Deep – Journey’s End and the New Voyage onto the Ocean and Beyond.

It is no glib cliché to say life is like a journey. Likewise, feelings, emotions and experiences are also a journey; they have a beginning, a middle, and an end. They can also be likened to a River. It begins at the source – a high mountain or hill, perhaps, new, fresh and full of hope and optimism. Along the way, they collect rocks and stones, silt and debris. They also spawn life and sometimes destroy life too. Emotions ebb and flow like Rivers. They can be intense, overflowing and destructive, or slow, gentle and meandering. They carry forth ideas and notions of how things should be, ever travelling towards that goal of what one wants life to become. The River can flow smoothly or become congested and clogged up. And so can our emotions.

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 The River is a living thing; it must be allowed to flow freely and breathe otherwise it will stagnate and die. And so it is with our emotions. We must let them move freely and express them lest we become like the River – blocked and stagnant. Inside we begin to decay and all life therein perishes. The silver fishes of our hopes, dreams and aspirations perish if they are not allowed to breathe. And so, should our River cease to flow, then so do we and we must ask ourselves why.

It may be because we have built a dam across it; a dam that may be the inability or an unwillingness, to express how we feel. It may be that our feelings have no place, no outlet and so they are turned inward only for them to turn to pain, resentment and anger. It may be we simply do not know what to do without ourselves anymore having tried everything we thought humanly possible and that it is time to just turn the valve and let the water through. Either way, the water must flow otherwise it can and will drown us.

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The River gives life but also takes it away and it teaches us that it is okay to keep moving, even if it is only slowly, for your final destination is at hand. All Rivers must end their journeys at the Ocean and it is here all their debris, flotsam and jetsam are let go and they become one with the Source.

Rivers change on their journeys. In the beginning they are clean and fresh and new. By the end, they are burdened and weary. As they reach the Ocean, they let go. And that is okay. It is okay to wake one morning and realise you do not feel the same as you did yesterday. It is okay to release yourself of the old logs and rocks and stones you have accumulated on your journey, for you have finally reached the Ocean and a new horizon awaits.

Let not guilt and obligation bind you to people and situations if your journey is at an end. If you have experienced hardship and pain, it is okay to move on and melt into the Ocean and start again for some people come into our lives simply to teach us that it is okay to let go no matter how painful that lesson is. But it is a valuable lesson nonetheless.

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To love deeply and let go is one of the most difficult things one can do, whether it is by choice or by circumstance. But there are times when our journey has been long and hard and we have let our Rivers become poisoned with grief and sadness, leaving no room for life to grow. But during the River’s time, many small things have came and went unnoticed. And sometimes it is okay to let love die if it has no purpose, nor a home to go to anymore. To wake up and no longer feel love in your heart as you once did is not a reflection of your character; it is simply a reflection of that love being confined to a pool that is slowly drying up. There is no need to save it if there is no reason for it to be saved. Let it go. Holding on to it only hurts the soul in the long run.

The Acheron runs deep for some, and it runs long and very slowly. But like all Rivers, it will reach the Ocean, the wide, unending, sun-kissed Ocean under a cloudless cerulean sky, where your sorrow and burdens will melt away like they never were. All River journeys must end here, at the Ocean, where hope and optimism spring anew.

Always remember you are part of something bigger than yourself, a part of the Whole, the All. As one journey ends, another begins.

Always keep moving.

Your Friend On the Sands of Time

Imeldra Moonpaw

Grief – The Great Destroyer

Grief is the love with nowhere to go. It is the Wandering Child without a home, shambling in rags door to door with the empty begging bowl of a harrowed heart.

Grief is the snake eating its own tail; hours turn to days turn to months turn to years until, at last, you are right back at the beginning. The circle begins again. Another year. Another day to remember. Another landmark in the nowhere-place grief leaves you, a dread monolith testament to your loss forever standing.

Grief is the place where time stands still. Here, in the space between living and non-living, there is only ambiguity, helplessness and doubt. It is the half-life grief gifts you. The endless gift that keeps on giving. Happy Birthday. Merry Christmas. With Regards.

Grief is the lightning that tears the oak asunder down to its very roots, and wears down the mountain slowly from within until it crumbles without. Grief is the sigh in the hurricane, and the words left unspoken that melt into the wind until there are none left to say. Only the impassioned breath of the mournful soul lost without that which meant so much to it carried up to the light in a bright cascade, like a waterfall of butterflies on a warm summer breeze. Words have no meaning here; only the heartfelt cry of the soul reaching out in vain for the other. An unending breath that carries both love and pain on its broken wings.

Grief is the bitter tide – flowing outward with gushing sorrow one moment and ebbing with weariness and regret the next. In and out, day in, day out, pulled by the moon that tugs restlessly on the heart like an errant child when small reminders come and go. Names. Dates. Places. Things. A mindless set of numbers and words that mean nothing to the world, but mean a world of small, stinging recollections to you. For it is always the small things that mattered.

Grief is the fathomless ocean and the fear of not knowing how far down it goes. What monsters lurk there; what terrible leviathans have spawned in the darkness while one was weeping?

Grief is the serpent that embraces you, strangles you, suffocates. Grief is the gentle lover that caresses your heavy heart and beckons you fall, to lie down, to give in. To surrender  so you feel no more, to give up the ache that is the amputated limb of one lost, the piece of the heart fallen away from view at the moment of separation. For that piece shall never grow back no matter how one wishes it. It is true they do take a piece with you when they go.

Grief is the story half-told. It is like a candle without the light, like the day without a night. Winter without snow. Summer without flowers. It is empty pages, what is incomplete and a tale untold. Grief is the loss of the story that could have been.

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Grief is the destroyer and taker of things for one loses all sense of self when one is within its grasp – hope, joy, humour, imagination, passion, the sense of beauty in all things. Grief is grey and lifeless. Grief is black and white.

Grief is a mindless, rampaging bull with all the raw fury of Hell. Grief is a silent, fading flower in an unlit garden corner, unseen and unacknowledged. It is the closing of the day and the drawing in of the night only there are no stars in the sky to guide you tonight. Not today. Not tomorrow.

Grief is ice and fire. Up and down. Inertia and the damnable cacophony of thoughts, emotions and feelings like a mad, out-of-control calliope. It is the carousel of cares that one cannot alight from. It is the clown that makes you laugh and cry. Nothing makes sense here in this upside-down world.

Grief is being what you vowed you would never be and despising what you have become. Grief is a Picture of Dorian Gray. Your smiling face masks the mournful and embittered heart beneath. You fade out, imbued with the sickness of anguish, loss and love combined. It is an unholy thing. A dark thing. And yet it is hidden so well from those who we wish to protect from its devilish influence. A shameful thing. One does not wish others to see the wounds it has inflicted upon us lest they recoil in horror or fright from their ugliness. We are the hunchbacks of our own Notre Dame.

Grief consumes life as a black hole consumes stars, planets and all possible life therein. It eats away at everything good and joyful in life. The hunger is ceaseless and cannot be sated. It eats and eats until there is nought left but bones. Grief is ravenous yet leaves us starving.

Grief is the sickness of the heart and soul. For there is no cure for grief as it is borne of permanent separation. Grief is the longing for what is no longer there and to be satisfied with that which resides in our memory. To reach in is not enough and so we turn outwards only to remember once more what has been lost. And so we turn in again to find a phantom of what was, or what could have been. The dance goes on and finding no comfort or solace in either.

Grief is grasping at air and dreams only for those dreams to turn to dust in your hands long after they have died. And when dreams are dust, our hopes, and our will to wander in this earthbound, nowhere-place of the cruel dichotomy of love and pain, soon follow.

Grief is the Great Destroyer and yet grief is the greatest expression of love for if we do not feel the pain of one lost, we never truly loved them to begin with. It is an emotion of truth for we cannot hide our grief when it descends so readily upon us. We cannot escape it. We can only learn to live with it like an unwelcome guest. It cannot be cured or eliminated for, if we eliminate the pain of loss, even to some small degree, we eliminate our ability to love truly and genuinely.

We may learn to accept things as they are and the pain may lessen in time, but it is still there, forever taken root in our souls. We may never love again for such genuine, deep-seated feelings for those closest to us creates such a behemoth of grief inside us when they are no longer here, there is simply no room for another. For some, it feels like a betrayal when others suggest the void left by one lost can be filled with another. Love transcends separation and loss. Others may find space in their hearts to love once again. For others, the one lost is simply irreplaceable. 

Yours Under the Boughs of Yew and Elder

Imeldra Moonpaw.

Night Thoughts – Don’t Hide Your Light: You Are Enough. Be Who You Once Were.

There are times in life we become wrapped up in things. Life takes us over and we forget what is important. We stop doing the things we enjoy and other things take presidence. It may be a conscious decision, or we may have found ourselves swept along by the current of life and circumstances. Either way, we may find ourselves in someone else’s story and have left our own far behind. We are not ourselves anymore. We have forgotten who we are. We have forgotten our own story.

This can happen to any of us. Our hopes and dreams, our ambitions and the plans we had have all fallen away and been taken over by things outside ourselves. We find ourselves dancing to someone else’s tune, forfeiting our pleasures and our desires for the wants and needs of others. We may feel time is slipping away from us and all the things we had planned we can no longer partake in because of other things, other plans, other schedules, other agendas…and so it goes on. No longer do we wake up in the morning and think “I’m really looking forward to starting that project today…” as our lives cease to be our own. There is no place for our creativity anymore. no place for our individuality to expand and explore the far reaches of our imaginations, to start new things, to experiment, to try new things out, or to just allow the mind to wander like a errant moon across a star-studded sky. No room to be ourselves anymore. We cease to be. We wink out of existence like we never were. The light inside of us goes out. It is like the sun going out.

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When that happens it is missed. The light and the creativity and the spark that made us is missed by others. Terribly so. When one begins to disappear like Marty McFly in his photograph in Back to the Future, it is noticed by others and our friends and loved ones can do nothing but watch helplessly and with great sadness as we fade from view with all the happy and fun memories fading with us. As we forget who we are, we fade. When we no longer do the things that drive us on, the things that get us out of bed in the morning, the things that make our hearts and souls sing, we fade. And we are missed. We are missed terribly. And such a sight of us fading from the ones we love is a travesty. Good things should never fade. They should shine and be seen. For it is that light and that energy that draws others to us, that forges connections that are deep and profound and life-changing. When that fades, the earth breaks asunder and that cannot be.

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Be that crab that climbs out of the bucket. Be the crab that reaches for the moon and touches it and brings it down to earth so bright things can be forged in silver. Hide not the light inside for, when it fades, it is missed. The world needs the light and the creativity and the imagination. Be the creator of worlds as you once were, and never again let that be taken from you. It is far too valuable and precious to be allowed to fade, to disappear into darkness. Let it not fade into obscurity and mediocrity for you are unique and made of stardust. Your skills are needed and so you must pick up the items of your trade and begin again. Everything exists in cycles. Night and day. Life and Death. Winter is over. Turn your face to the sun and let your creativity flow once again. You are enough and the world needs it. The world needs YOU.

Your Friend Always,

Imeldra Moonpaw.

The Welcoming Light – Being The Light In The Darkness For Those Lost At Sea

It is all to easy to become lost; lost in one’s own thoughts, lost in one’s problems, in one’s own world, lost in a myriad of things. Being lost has become, as many see it, an insurmountable problem, like a derelict ship listing at sea with no hope of discovery or recovery. We can be left in a proverbial ‘Bermuda Triangle’, a temporal anomaly of lostness, not knowing how we got here or how we can get out of it. Or we may know exactly how we got lost but the end result is the same – no way out. Walking and talking in circles until we exhaust ourselves and give up.

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There are many ways in which we become lost. We may take a wrong turn in life, or simply drift from situation to situation, environment to environment,  paying little attention to what we are doing. It may be a conscious choice, or it may not. But we end up lost because we have missed something and we can’t find our way back. What then?

Being mindful of our thoughts and actions helps us to become more aware of where we are going and examining our intentions leaves us less likely to become lost in future, but if one is lost and floundering in rough seas with nothing to grab on to for support, it is best to stop flailing and just float. Wait. Think. Let the tide take you on a current that may lead to a solution, or a lull in whatever chaos or drama that may be going on. Like consciously choosing to be alone for a period, it is prudent to allow things to take a natural course as this may be the ONLY solution. Inaction may be the only action, but if the lostness is simply too much to bear, one is in need of a lighthouse. To the lost, the world seems like a vast, empty ocean. But if one looks up, there are stars to guide one if the night is clear, or the moon if it is on the wax.

But one can never stay lost is one truly wants to be found.

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To the lost I say look for the light. What I mean by this is look to those who brighten your day, lighten your heart, make you laugh, make you smile. Move towards the sunlight. You do not always have to engage with others if you do not want to, but strive to do the things that make the centre of your being glow like the sun, and feel warm like a summer’s day. There are those who want to help you, to offer genuine help, from a place of goodness and compassion, not from a place of narcissism or possession. Should the hand (or paw) be offered, do not feel guilt or shame in taking it. It comes from a place of Universal Love and empathy for other beings. The door will never be closed upon you nor safe harbour denied. There will always be ports in a storm; you just have to reach out and take the rope that will bring you in from the tempest.

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To those who have compassion for the lost – be the Welcoming Light. Be the light in the darkness for those who have fallen by the wayside. Many need and want help but are to afraid, to proud or too weary to ask for it. Many simply do not know how to ask. Have patience and compassion. Be the lighthouse that weathers the storms of their indecision and their inaccessibility for we cannot always know their stories and cannot know their hearts. To reach out and ask for help, for some, is a deeply difficult task. It is not for us to judge their reasons for not doing so. The lighthouse simply stands guard and watches, and casts light on the treacherous rocks below. We can give the warnings and shine the light. It is up to the vessel to heed it, and come towards it. The lighthouse, or the Welcoming Light, does not ask, or pry or question and so we must not. It must come from a place of neutrality no matter what has transpired in the past. It is the essence of true empathy, compassion and mercy.

Yours Under the Boughs,

Imeldra Moonpaw.

 

Grief and Loss – Holding Space In Your Heart For Those Who Have Left Us And Why It Is Okay To Move On

It is never easy when anniversaries come around. Or birthdays. Or Mother’s/Father’s Day. These days, we feel, can only serve as painful reminders of the things and the people we have lost; the good times or the futures stolen from us. Birthdays especially, for once they were happy times, now reduced to remembering that there will be no more celebrations, only  memories of what once was, and, for the one who is lost, to never grow a day older from the moment they passed beyond the Veil. For they, once gone, shall never grow old and never more suffer the maladies and ravages of time and old age any longer. For them, time has stopped. For us, the ones left behind, the steady march of time beats on like a melancholic heartbeat in the darkness.

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Grief is a paradox. It both leaves you with a feeling of emptiness and filled with so many things – anger, despair, denial, resentment. It can veer from one extreme to the other. It can be confusing and numbing at the same time. Not knowing how to deal with it, who to turn to, where to go, what to say. There are many suggestions about how to deal with grief and loss, not necessarily with death, but also other kinds of loss which can leave one with a feeling of “….maybe I should be feeling like this at this stage, or that stage. Maybe I should be over it by now. Do I have to go through the stages of grief in a particular order…?”

The answer to this is no. We think of grief as something that has to be controlled, managed and harnessed. Yes, to some degree we must manage our pain, but what many do not understand is that grief and all the feelings of loss are all part of the human experience and so MUST be treated as such, and not crafted into some form that fits neatly into a category or list. Grief simply does not work that way. We go through life never knowing grief and then suddenly we do. There is a life before and a life after grief. It becomes part of our make-up, our being. It becomes integrated into ourselves so that reality itself turns inside out so that there are now two worlds – the reality before the experience, and the one after. Things can never be the same again. At this time, and for some time after, we must learn to integrate this new feeling into out psyche and make it part of us. It will never leave us and it is for that reason we must learn to nurture it and find a place for it within ourselves.

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It will always resurface and that is why we need to befriend it. Understand it. Learn that we feel grief because it is the highest expression of love. We grieve deeply because we have loved deeply. Even if we have had fractious or broken relationships with those we loved, it does not matter. Love is as complicated as grief and to try and pick it apart and make sense of it is a fruitless and demoralising task. Grief, like love, is what it is. There are things we are not meant to understand and the feelings and expressions of the heart, like love, grief, compassion and mercy are some of those things. We cannot explain them even though we try our best to. But they are sometimes way beyond our understanding.

Grief, like love, can be expressed by the heart in a thousand silent ways.

Grief can also be subject to social norms. A female may be frowned upon for seeking out love after the loss of her mate soon after his passing. Why is this? Is there a time limit on grief? I think not. We must get past this notion of time when it is relation to others’ feelings and emotions, and pre-conceived ideas of what it means to grieve. Some may grieve for a short time and process the loss quickly. Some may grieve the loss of their loved one for the rest of their earthly days. We cannot know the hearts of others. It is impossible, and wrong, to judge others on how and when they process their grief and loss. We must set our own houses in order first before turning our attentions to the dwellings of others.

And so, what happens if you feel you can move on? What then? How do you feel? More to the point, how do OTHERS make you feel? Guilty? Pressured? Ashamed? Are they projecting their own morals, ideals and virtues onto you out of some feeling of lack or want within themselves? Ask yourself – how do YOU feel about it? Your loved one is in another reality. They are not here to advise you, or admonish your for your choices. They cannot direct your life now in any way, so be wary of those who say “Your mother/father would want this/that, be so disappointed if you….” That is emotional manipulation, control and entrapment. They are not here. You are. Be mindful of that. We only have a short time here. Use this time wisely.

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In the end, it is perfectly acceptable to move on with life. There is no shame in that. You do not forget those who have gone before you as they will always be a part of you – they may have shaped your life in some way, made you the person you are for good or ill. In some small way, they will always be a part of you, a part of your being. Holding a space in your heart for them does not mean you forget them. You may not think of them every day and, the first day you forget to think of them you might feel guilty. This is natural. It is a natural process of letting go. But letting go does not mean forgetting. Holding a place in your heart means you NEVER forget, you just store that memory and love away like a treasured album full of pictures and stories to be picked up and examined at a time of your choosing. It is a conscious choice to remember, not a forced one out of guilt, duty, obligation or external pressure. And with that, the memories become sweeter, if they were good, or have less of an impact if they were not. Holding that space is neutral. And it is good for you in the long-term because it allows room for that process to run its course and settle where it is supposed to without the pressure of social norms or other people telling you what should and shouldn’t be. Let it rest in peace in your heart and soul.

My Most Healing Blessings At This Time

Your Friend Always

Imeldra Geraldine Moonpaw.

Clowder Historian.

 

Loneliness vs Being Alone – Why We Should Never Fear Ourselves

In this time of cultural nihilism, we are often told that loneliness is a scourge on our community. It is. The lack of interaction – true, meaningful interaction – with other sentient beings, human or Grimalkin, like ourselves can leave us feeling very detached from the world, bereft and isolated. I want to address some things as this is a subject close to my heart. I have felt loneliness at times but I have also known those who are lonely. And so, this blog is for them.

We all seek out others of our kind. Our family. Our community. Our clan. Our tribe. It is a natural response to want to be with those who understand us, who can care for us and who we can care for in return. We seek sanctuary in these relationships. We yearn for that deep connection that touches our minds, hearts and souls. We want that silent knowing that we are accepted without question by those who are like us. It is where we find security, peace, love and friendship.

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But there are times when we can be surrounded by people and feel the loneliest being in the world. Why is this? I believe that we feel this way because we have lost, or never had, that essential connection with ourselves. Some can live their entire lives on their own and be happy and at peace with that because they have a strong sense of self. They know who they are and where they are going. But for many, seeking out others to deal with their loneliness becomes a mission, and sometimes a toxic and all-consuming one at that.

Loneliness is a natural reaction to the lack of meaningful connections with others. I say meaningful because we, as complex creatures, we want to engage with and expand our consciousness with others in our journey of life, share our hopes and dreams with them, share our loves and our pet peeves, our gripes and our simple pleasures and hope they understand them. We want validation that we matter, and that everything about us and our world has meaning and significance. We seek out others of our kind because we long to extend our universal love to those around us, to feel included and safe and secure. We are social beings. Our energies will naturally gravitate towards those who vibrate on a similar wavelength. The saying “you are on my wavelength” means exactly that.

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Being connected to those like us brings us joy and peace. It brings out the best in us and we bring out the best in others in turn. But what if you do not have those connections? What if, at some point in your life, you find yourself feeling alone despite being in the midst of a crowd?

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There are times when you can feel so disconnected from everything and everyone it becomes difficult to function in everyday life. Loneliness can draw you into a dangerous world of isolation, depression and self-sabotage. You can often feel like it is your fault you feel this way, like you have failed somehow, failed at being a human being because, here you are – you may be popular, have lots of friends or be successful – and yet you are wanting. You may feel guilty for feeling this way, somehow ungrateful, feeling the confusion of wanting to get away and yet yearning for the company of others, and this can lead to a downward spiral of depression. self-blame and even self-loathing. You feel like a fraud for putting on a smile and showing the world that you are okay but inside you are screaming. Keeping up appearances is a Sisyphean task – you get through the day with a laugh and a smile, keeping everyone’s probing questions of “u ok hun?” at bay, only to crawl to bed in the early hours, aching and despairing, having no room in your mind or your heart to think or feel anything but the darkness that is slowly pressing in upon you.

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You can’t talk about it. How could you? You have to be the person everyone wants you to be. One person needs you to be one way, another person needs you to be another. You have to juggle flaming torches and spin plates all at the same time, pleasing everyone, or at least trying to. You try your hardest but inside you feel like you are failing, falling apart. You are keeping it together but barely. You don’t know what people want from you.  You can’t be yourself. You begin to understand that you can’t keep everyone happy, you can’t please everyone. You can’t be everything to every person. You can’t do all the things you promised. You are being crushed under the sheer weight of the pressure around you – people, things, work, more people, more work, family….. It goes on and on. Your health is beginning to fail. You can’t do as much as you did before. That adds to the guilt. It weights even heavier upon you. The world becomes a carousel of noise and sound you can’t seem to escape from but you long to, long to get away for just a little while. You ache to get away from it all, to be alone, even away from the people you love most, but this also adds to the guilt. You feel like a monster for wanting a few precious moments away from them – to walk in the woods, to sit with a book and just gather your thoughts. Just for a few moments…

But in those moments, you still feel that void inside of you. The inescapable void that longs to be filled with something you don’t know what. You have been seeking it all your life but it has always eluded you. Sex. Work. Friends. Things. But it was never enough.  Anger. Rage. Frustration, Depression. Despair, Sadness. Emptiness. It is all there. All working against you and yet there is no-one there to tell it to. You keep it in. You feel like your heart is going to explode with the sheer volume of it all. The loss. The pain. The inability to voice the discordant cacophony of feelings, emotions and thoughts playing a disharmonious dirge inside of you. It is a frightening and isolating place to be, my Dear Human. You cannot voice it because you don’t know how.  You never learned that your thoughts and feelings were important. You were never taught that you mattered in a way that you should have done. But it matters. It always mattered. Because, my Dear Human, you are and essential part of the Whole, the All, just like the rest of us.

Your silence is killing you.

But oh, my Dearest Human, there is a way. From one who has walked through darkness and come out of the other side, there is a way to end this cycle of destruction. You can  and are worth saving.

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People often confuse being alone with loneliness. The two are not the same. Loneliness is the feeling of lack. Being alone is the feeling of contentment in one’s own company. It can take some time to adjust to being on one’s own but it is an important part of personal growth.

Now, I am not suggesting you end all of your relationships, cut all of your ties and live like a hermit or an anchorite until the end of your earthly days. You can be with others AND feel comfortable BEING ALONE at the same time.

  1. Being alone does not mean shutting yourself off from others. Being alone means setting time aside for YOURSELF and doing the things you enjoy, being present in the moment, reflecting on the things you want out of life.
  2. Being alone sets healthy boundaries with others. If you find you do not have a moment to yourself, be assertive and express your intention to have You-Time.
  3. Being alone is essential to personal growth and development. Many people fear being on their own. If you feel this way, then ask yourself why? Are you afraid of yourself? Do you need to work on some inner issues? Do you need help with anything? If you need help ASK. NEVER BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP. IF YOU ARE IN NEED OF HELP, PLEASE DO NOT SUFFER IN SILENCE. CONTACT SOMEONE YOU TRUST, A PROFESSIONAL OR A GP. NEVER SUFFER ALONE. 
  4. Being alone gives you much-needed time to evaluate your situations. If your life or situation requires change or improvement, being alone will give you the time and emotional/mental space you need to make rational and informed decisions.

It is easier said than done. The fear of being alone can be too much for some and they spend their entire lives seeking out company because they cannot, or will not, address the reasons why they feel that way. My belief is that is you have a strong, or at least, a stable, inner core, then being alone and doing things on your own, becomes something you enjoy and not something to be feared.

People fear being alone with themselves. You should never fear yourself. If you have difficulty finding yourself, then take time to discover that. But you can only do that by spending time alone. Make friends with yourself. Be your own best friend, your own brother or sister. Being alone helps you to discover things about yourself you never knew existed. You may surprise yourself – once you give yourself time to grow and expand in the new space you have given yourself, you will feel less lonely. You will have forged that essential connection with yourself, which is the most important connection of all, the most healthy relationship you can have. Of course, you will still have your relationships and people around you, but you will now have a choice – you will choose to seek out company because you will not need it as you once did. The need to fill the void will no longer be there because you have done the work inside. You can only fix and heal yourself, but always seek out professional help if you need it. No-one can solve your problems for you, nor can people, addictions or things be substitutes for the relationship you need to create with yourself.

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There is one last thing I want to address. You are not a failure. You are not a bad person. You are not unwanted, or unloved, or incapable of doing things. You are not a misfit or a freak or a square peg in a round hole. Your experiences do not make you. Your character and your integrity does. If you have not fit into a particular niche in life, if you have always felt like an outsider, there is a reason why and it has nothing to do with you. It is not because there is something wrong with you, it is because there is something wrong with society. You will always find your clan, your tribe. If you are not resonating with those around you and it is making you sad, miserable, uncomfortable or depressed, never feel guilty about moving on. It is YOUR life and we only have a short time here so we need to make the most of it. Seek out those who chime with you. Never apologise and never explain. Part of the reason why we feel lonely is because we stay in situations out of obligation. We do not need to do this. We always have the choice to free ourselves and seek pastures new and feel less alone in the world.

Please visit my other blogs on Inner Child work and Healing for further reading.

Yours Under the Boughs

Imeldra Moonpaw

Night Thoughts – An Honest Look at Love and Faith. When Love Fails And When It Does Not

  Life is complex. We do not have the level of control we think we do. We cannot control others’ actions nor can we control external events that occur around us. The world is not perfect. It is unpredictable, as are those who dwell within it.

  There are times when we think love and faith alone cannot sustain a wounded heart or a jaded soul. It is not enough to just throw open the doors to the heart and hope for the best. We leave ourselves open to disappointment and dismay. Use our discernment wherever possible, especially if we have been walking blindly in the dark without answers. We can only act upon what is given and not what is ambivalent or ambiguous. We make our judgements on what is presented to us whenever we can and, for the most part, misunderstandings, miscommunications and all they entail can be avoided. Such meaningful connections have been lost to such wanderings in the dark. We are sure to turn on the light and see the truth of the matter before making decisions of the heart and soul. Such things as love and faith are sacred and profound, and are as precious and fragile as  as spun glass.

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  No, love cannot be given freely in that way. Faith cannot be blind to all. In the chaos of this maelstrom we call Life it can become lost, damaged, broken, misunderstood, misrepresented, taken for something it is not, even feared. We cannot give those things away freely. To do so is madness.

  There are times when love does not conquer all and our faith fails us. It is then we must look to ourselves, and our Higher Selves within, and see what we truly value, what deserves our time, love and attention. And our faith. To give it away blindly makes it valueless and ceases to have any meaning. Love becomes but a word we say because we feel we have to, not because we truly mean it. It becomes lost and without purpose. And that is when love fails and does not conquer all, nor does it heal the wounds of past hurts, or brings souls together in truth and light. Too many times the word is spoken and too many times the true meaning is lost like brittle leaves in an autumn gale.

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  The lips may say the word but only the heart truly means it, and the heart can say it in a thousand silent ways. It is then, and only then, faith and love can heal the wounds of the heart like they never were, can quieten and soothe the horrors of the past so they are merely echoes in the stillness of night. It is then the tears will dry on the cheeks of the broken, the lonely and the dispossessed. It reaches out and touches the hearts of another, and another and another, and so it goes on, and is passed on from one to the next to the next…

The heart says it in a thousand silent ways.

  It has no need of words. Sometimes love can fail, but sometimes it does not. Sometimes it reaches in and touches you in the space where you think nothing and no-one can reach; the dark, forgotten space left abandoned by hurt and pain even when you don’t want it to. It touches that space like a mother touching her child for the first time and All That Is is suspended there in that place you thought long abandoned. It may not be for any reason at all, but the power of that touch is like the sun setting and rising in your soul. The Mountain and the Fire inside it. The colours of the exploding supernova in your chest that you feel could light up the entire world and beyond. The ebbing and flowing of the tides, coming and going, in and out, rising and falling, day in, day out, burning like a Midsummer day one moment then descending to the warm glow of winter embers the next, all the while lighting up the darkest recesses of your being whether you ask it to or no. You have no choice. They say you don’t choose who you fall in love with. I say you have no choice but to love regardless.

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  Yes, sometimes love fails, but it is only what we perceive to be its failure. Love is just what IS. It does not do what we want it to do. It is not a beast of burden to be directed to plough a field, or pull a cart. Sometimes we don’t want it because it hurts. But is it the love that hurts or are we hurt because life has dealt us an uneven hand? We feel love because it is in us to do so. We hurt because we do not, or cannot give it to others no matter how much we desire it, or it is not received in the way we want it to. The love remains untouched, untainted, unbroken by the whims and affairs of Man. It is the wants and needs of the Ego that hurt and tear at your soul. The love itself remains unchanged.

The heart says it in a thousand silent ways.

  The love that is silent lets go, flows uninhibited like a meandering mountain river down to a vast and sleepy ocean. It is quiet and reflective. It knows when to let fly and give freedom without prejudice. But this a love that can only be known in the silence, after the storm. After the Fall of the Old Life when the skylark has returned to the sky after the hurricane has passed overhead. It is the knowledge that it is not love that hurts – the hurt we do to ourselves by holding onto things that can never be, holding on to old thoughts and feelings that do nought but remind us of our shortcomings, comparing ourselves to others, feeling shame and guilt for past actions, regretting past decisions, words said or left unsaid. In this space, where love touches us deeply, like the Hand of God, none of it matters anymore.

  True love, silent love, does not come from others. It just IS. We just pass it from one to another, if we are lucky enough to do so. Treasure it, like it is spun glass, for it is something that, if passed on from that space where the sun rises and sets, where the winter embers glow, then it truly does have the power to heal ALL wounds, even the ones you never believed would heal. It just takes a little faith.

Yours in Love and Light

Imeldra Moonpaw

 

 

 

Night Thoughts -Redefining Who You Are After the Fall of the Old Life

It’s not about defeat. It is not about self-destruction.

  It’s about learning who and what you are again. Re-evaluating. Re-organising. Learning what works and what does not. What worked before may not now as, after the Fall, there comes the Rebuild. Just as Rome was never rebuilt the same way, so can a life never be the same after it has been broken. The Fall of the Old Life is an essential part of living, growing and evolving. Many old habits, thoughts, acquaintances no longer fit into the new Empire that is YOU. Feel no shame in opening your hands and letting them descend to earth to be recycled or to decay.

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And yet, a few foundation stones remain to build upon – integrity, values – the things that fundamentally make you unique in this world. The old may go. It may die. It may turn to ashes and dissolve into the wind. It is no defeat to allow yourself to fall and shatter and to coalesce into a new form. Stars and planets do this endlessly. And so we must.

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  It is a difficult task. We are but children again, learning to walk and talk and find our way among our fellows once more. For we are new and untested in this fresh form in a world full of uncertainty, turmoil and despair. And yet, for those who have known a Fall and survived, sometimes many, it is simply another metamorphosis into a different and more evolved form, a better and more stable Empire of Self.

Your Friend

Imeldra Moonpaw